jamisings:

simonalkenmayer:

thebibliosphere:

finnglas:

beggars-opera:

horton-hears-a-bitch-ass-liar:

These are the questions that need answering

@thebibliosphere How have you not been tagged in this yet

What are you talking about, I get tagged in it multiple times a day :p

But that gif makes it.

The answer is no. But the femoral artery is tempting.

And also…

Vampires aren’t real.

*cracks knuckles*

Okay, so obviously this question was asked of Stephanie just to make her uncomfortable. Yes, she’s a bad writer who glorified what was a textbook abusive relationship.

And yes, Simon, I know, vampires aren’t real.

HOWEVER if you want an actual answer – going from FOLKLORE rather than Hollywoodlore, vampires don’t just feed on blood.

Hollywood has given us these vampires who burn up in sunlight, die if staked, and have to drink their weight in blood every night.

In folklore vampires can go out in the day, a stake just paralyzes them but they can survive it, and while they do drink some blood, they also have other ways to feed. One way is to cause nightmares and feed off the psychic energy of the person whose dreams they’re controlling.

The other is to give them orgasms. Feeding, again, off their psychic energy as they cum. (Think of the White Court vampires from The Dresden Files but without that pesky true love weakness and also drinking blood on occasion.) 

So a vampire giving a blowjob or cunnilingus wouldn’t need to feed on blood at that time as they’d be getting their food from the coming orgasm. 

This is why a vampire in folklore can feed on the same human for months or even years before finally killing them.

This is also why in folklore you have the Dhampire – a half human, half vampire child always born of the sexual union between a male vampire and a female human. (In most cases it was the husband coming back as a vampire to fuck his wife. Basically a way to explain pregnant widows without accusing them of fornification. Kind of like claiming the baby you had when your husband was at war was fathered by Zeus.) 

Thank you for that charming folklorist dissection of sex. May I add my two sense, seeing as how I am a monster who happens to have a human male Permanent House Guest™?

Protein is protein.

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