notquiteamason:

glumshoe:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

But does a violent death automatically guarantee a haunting? People are murdered all the time, yet hauntings are relatively uncommon. I think you’d need to ensure that your victim had defined “unfinished business” that would keep some manner of their energy stuck in one earthly place…. have them partially solve a jigsaw puzzle before you kill them for best results.

alternatively: repeat until you achieve desired results. maybe third times the charm!! or seventh!! or eigthteenth!! or

I’ve repeated as many as I can. It hasn’t worked.

Conclusions: humans like to be turned into sausage.

volnixshin:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

How will fisting someone make my house haunted?

Why would you go there? Clearly you didn’t read the instructions. And you immediately thought of anal insertion rather than insertion into say…an eye socket, which incidentally kills very quickly, or say…the abdominal cavity.

I tell you, if it came to only the anus, I could easily kill someone that way to…though come to think of it, I haven’t.

This seems like an oversight.

hymnofvalefor:

glumshoe:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

But does a violent death automatically guarantee a haunting? People are murdered all the time, yet hauntings are relatively uncommon. I think you’d need to ensure that your victim had defined “unfinished business” that would keep some manner of their energy stuck in one earthly place…. have them partially solve a jigsaw puzzle before you kill them for best results.

You know getting out a Ouija board and cursing yourself would be easier. Like ring up a sprite and call it a bitch. go to a haunted house and dare those things to follow you home.

I assure you spite is a universal thing, no matter if you’re a dead human, a demon, or a poltergeist.

Easier? But what’s the fun in that. At least my way, if I’m cursed I have a tasty snack to enjoy whilst being pestered by a spirit.

I tell you…homemade is far superior to delivery.

nijello:

glumshoe:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

But does a violent death automatically guarantee a haunting? People are murdered all the time, yet hauntings are relatively uncommon. I think you’d need to ensure that your victim had defined “unfinished business” that would keep some manner of their energy stuck in one earthly place…. have them partially solve a jigsaw puzzle before you kill them for best results.

tell them to start solving a rubix cube then stab them.

That is a beautiful solution

laceandfrustration:

glumshoe:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

But does a violent death automatically guarantee a haunting? People are murdered all the time, yet hauntings are relatively uncommon. I think you’d need to ensure that your victim had defined “unfinished business” that would keep some manner of their energy stuck in one earthly place…. have them partially solve a jigsaw puzzle before you kill them for best results.

Inserting your bare hands into a person won’t kill them, but could be fun, if they’re into it

It will actually, especially if you insert at the stomach and reach upward. The fact that you took it to that place, that pornographic human place, means your ghost will be especially unhappy with you.

I however, haven’t any sexuality or urges, and so mine end up quite dead and usually as some sort of sausage filler or tureen.

rckll-bllys:

glumshoe:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

But does a violent death automatically guarantee a haunting? People are murdered all the time, yet hauntings are relatively uncommon. I think you’d need to ensure that your victim had defined “unfinished business” that would keep some manner of their energy stuck in one earthly place…. have them partially solve a jigsaw puzzle before you kill them for best results.

So I have to insert my hands into the person, okay I can do that

It is far superior if you grab something squishy and pull it out. Does the trick like a charm.

transmanrichardstrand:

glumshoe:

simonalkenmayer:

kitchensylph:

simonalkenmayer:

*raises a hand*

I know how. It’s illegal, but cheap.

….

Go on…

Haunted House, a recipe

Tools:

• literally anything (Anything is a weapon, but I tend to prefer my bare hands. If you cannot use your bare hands, a fork, pen, pan, rolling pin, pick axe, rat poison, industrial engine lubricant, skewer, crossbow, spare keys, old shoe, spray can and light will suffice)

Ingredients:

• a person you really cannot stand or feel the world would benefit from losing,
• your house.

Instructions:

1. Invite person to your house.
2. Take implement and insert in person

But does a violent death automatically guarantee a haunting? People are murdered all the time, yet hauntings are relatively uncommon. I think you’d need to ensure that your victim had defined “unfinished business” that would keep some manner of their energy stuck in one earthly place…. have them partially solve a jigsaw puzzle before you kill them for best results.

Definitely. Like if that was a sure fire way to ensure a haunting, then Simon’s house would have more than just a few ghosts.

…Simon, is your house haunted?

Ghosts wouldn’t dare haunt me.

In truth there’s not such thing and I was making a joke

thesegoddamnpancakes:

simonalkenmayer:

thesegoddamnpancakes:

simonalkenmayer:

cloudninedreammuse:

simonalkenmayer:

mekau:

peanut-for-your-thought:

thantos1991:

simonalkenmayer:

When I was in highschool, my culinary teacher gave me the greatest gift of all- the actual recipe from red lobster, he worked there for a little bit. I haven’t made a batch in forever but I’m excited.

The cheese bread biscuits from red lobster?!? Teach us dear anon submitter!!!

TEACH US ThE SECRET

@thantos1991​  @peanut-for-your-thought​ @simonalkenmayer

This is the easier recipe, taste damn near the same but less work, but it also makes like 48 biscuits:

8
cups Original Bisquick™ mix 

2 2/3
cups milk cups shredded Cheddar cheese (8 oz) 

1
cup butter or margarine, melted 

1
teaspoon garlic powder 

1 teaspoon parsley 

1 teaspoon old bay seasoning OR onion powder 

 Preheat to 450 

mix bisquick mix, cheese and milk until a soft dough forms. 
don’t over stir, it mixes pretty
quick
grease a pan or put parchment paper down

Put dough balls about 2 inches apart, and put in oven.
MAKE SURE the oven is completely pre heated, if you put it in before hand the biscuits will come out nasty.

Bake 8-10 minutes.

 Melt the butter in the microwave completely.
Add parsley, seasonings and stir. 

 Once biscuits are done, should be brown on the bottom, pull them out and let them sit for a moment before covering or dipping them in the butter. Dipping upside down means more coverage. 

NOW, here is the recipe I actually use:

This recipe makes 10-12 biscuits.

3 cups all purpose Flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon cream of tartar
¾ cup butter or ½ cup butter ¼ shortening
1 and ¼ cup milk 

Preheat oven to 450. 
Combine flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, and cream of tartar. 
Using a blender/pastry blender, cut the butter into the mixture until it looks crumbly. 
make a well/hole in the middle of the mixture and pour ALL the milk in at once.

Now, you’ll want to add the cheese, which for this recipe you’ll want to use ¾ to 1 cup sharp cheddar.

 Use a fork to stir/fold the mixture just until the mixture is all moist. Do not over mix.

Use a spoon or scoop, and scoop 12 onto a parchment paper or a greased pan surface. You’ll want to put them 1 ½ – 2 inches apart.

Bake for 10-14 minutes, until the bottoms are brown.

½ cup butter or margarine, melted
½ teaspoon garlic powder 
½ teaspoon parsley 
1/3 teaspoon old bay seasoning OR onion powder

Melt the butter, mix and either dip the biscuits in or cover them with a brush/spoon. If there is any left over it goes super good on french bread too. 

You are a queen among bees.

If you’re lazy ive bought the red lobster brand box mix at Walmart for like 2 dollars and they’re legit the same thing

Peruse the notes. A member of red lobster staff attests that home made is better.

For a brief moment I was imagining Simon in high school. I think I injured my sinuses stifling the bark of a laugh.

Thanks for the recipe!

No. That was a submission. I’ve never been to high school. I feel that if I ever did go, I’d likely kill half the staff.

I know, thus the laugh.

Though I do somehow love the thought of you getting in a pointed argument with a revisionist history teacher.

It would end like every war they tried to revise: blood, collapse, forgetfulness, and then jokes at the expense of the loser.