Read the blog description and see my several published materials. This is not a fantasy. And I talk about burying bodies in 1665…the fire happened in 1666.
Think whatever you like. That is entirely the point of my presence, here. To run an experiment. I never ask people to believe me. And being myself is entirely enough for me.
I’m sorry your life is bland enough you had to spice it up by coming here to tell me how much you dislike me…anonymously. Seems an odd waste of time. I personally never seek out people to annoy me. Enough of those come along without putting in energy on the matter. Case in point… I also don’t wear a mask, but then again, that’s far easier.
(Someone meme this into the Angry Seagull I’m on mobile)
First of all, you goddamn anon, what the everlasting fuck is the matter with you?! Can you read? Do you try? Look mate I’m sorry, but even if Simon isn’t the beloved 2000 Year Old Criter Who Eats People that he claims, you goddamn dingus, you ought to be vaguely fucking familar with the concepts of ‘Pen Name’ and ‘Elaborate Backstory’! I mean, hello, do you come from some hellhole where Sherlock Holmes is unknown? You know, the books WRITTEN AS THOUGH THEY WERE CASE RECORDS PUT DOWN BY DOCTOR JOHN WATSON? I mean I don’t expect you to know about SS Van Dine, you clod, but Lemony Snicket is current and relevant enough to have JUST had a Netflix revival!
Why, why, do I keep having to see my dash clogged in ‘hurr durr, I can’t fucking read or grasp the point of an interactive web experience and have to shout about it’? You numpty! You lout!
Guess what asshole, I’m the one who has to log in and fucking tag and catalog all these fucking things and when my direct deposit comes in it fucking says Simon Alkenmayer on the ‘sent from’ line, you twit!
He! Is! An! Author!
He has three books published online and they’re all coming out in paper editions in March! Which you would KNOW! If you goddamn fucking read!
Jesus CHRIST! Thanks for adding to my paycheck you stupid sniveling illiterate gawp, I hope you choke!
This represents me…paying Jill her “fight Simon’s battles because he could care less about how many imbeciles come to him with the same nonsensical replies, because he remembers the king who died from eating a surfeit of eels” bonus.
Jill, you are a gift to the internet.
I love you too. Now call an ambulance, I think I’m having apoplexy
Go breathe into a paper bag and have a drink.
If I go to the cheap liquor store I can do both at the same time!
Some day I am going to buy you expensive port.
I will also accept that as a bonus. ❤️👽
Love you too, Cousin.
It will go nicely with your pipe and the aromatic tobacco