The world is bleak

theclarkofallclarks:

glumshoe:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

simonalkenmayer:

Please reblog this message with an image that makes you happy. Not merely the “I’m so glad I’m not doing what I was doing a moment ago” happiness. I want images that make you belly laugh or sigh. I’m sick to death of sarcasm, insults, and stupidity. I’m also tired of talking into the Tumblr vastness. I want to hear from you.

Let’s share a little amusement and joy. What you call “pure” posts, these days.

Cheer up an Old™ thing.

Thank you, in advance.

the first time I saw this image I laughed so hard I actually peed a little on the couch. I was 22.

image

I randomly think about this gif a lot and sometimes hurt myself laughing. 

This is from an ad I found that looks like a really weird but relatable meme

Like this?

Did I do this correctly?

orcbulge:

I dont take selfies anymore if you wanna know what I look like you’re gonna have to wait until my very expensive commisioned acrylic portrait is done

*chuckles*

Jake, Jake’s House, Jake’s

simonalkenmayer:

simonalkenmayer:

n. A toilet, loo, outhouse, shitter.

Everyone wants to talk about Harringdon and all that balderdash, about “Johns” and where they think this originated. I can tell you where. Well, partially.

Let’s spin time back a bit. Well, a large bit. For centuries, sewage and waste was indeed a problem. Humans found a way to cope, and as usual, it was a stupid way. They dumped their refuse into moving water, thinking it would be carried away! Yes. And then downriver, or back up onto the coast during high tide, only to besludge the shoreline during low. People would toss pots out windows, into gutters, and all that filth would just slowly slurp down whatever godforsaken hill, until it ended up in the laps of those who had to live on the bottom. And heaven forbid if you had to relieve yourself away from the pot. There were no public toilets! How could there be? We had the most basic of plumbing.

Enter the industrious human piss pot. 

You think I’m joking. Sadly no. There were men or women, carrying utilitarian buckets, some with leather sacks around them drawn with strings. Some had gloves, nosegays, and other helpful paraphernalia for assisting you through the process. They wore large cloaks, and for a farthing, you could settle in, concealed by their curtain, and let it go. For that farthing, you could walk away from your refuse and let the “jake” deal with it.

In those days, “Jake” was like “John” but had a uniquely derogatory bent to it. It was like saying “That jerk”. You could say it to someone’s face, because it had binary meaning as a simple name to give a stranger. It all depended on the tone of voice, and so a man with a bucket was a “Hullo, Jake, here’s a farthing” to his face. But to your mates, he was a “filthy jake”. A modern parallel might be “Bubba” or “Tom Dick and Harry” And yes, this carried through, even to the Victorian, when it was largely replaced with “Jack”.

Enter the “modern” era, and by that, I mean the Early Modern, the 1600′s, when public toilets were constructed on bridges over the river or bankside at crossings. The human toilets diminished, but they didn’t vanish entirely. However, the public pots were still commonly called “Jake’s house”.

Most of you know that London is a city on a river. To be truthful, it’s a city twixt rivers. Or tributaries, or waterways. Whatever you want to call them. Jake’s house was everywhere. A Frenchman wandering through London could get mighty confused, wondering who this Jaques person was, that he had so many houses. Which only added to the use of the word, because that was a time in which the English were not overly fond of the French.

So if your name is Jake…I do apologize to you, but whenever I hear the name…All I can think to do is toss you a penny and shit in a bucket.

Example: “Give me a moment to visit with Jake, would you?” or “I need to knock on Jake’s door.” 

So now, if you ever have the urge to call someone a “human toilet” or a “pile of shit” but you are in polite company, just call him “Jake” obsessively.

He might say “Uh, my name is Todd.”

And you can reply. “No, I think your name is Jake.”

simonalkenmayer:

My gentle readers know I’m quite partial to this season. I’ve gone on and on about how it’s the one time of year I get to be myself with convenience, thanks to your modern holidays. It’s also the time of snacks and treats. But most importantly to me…

It’s the date the experiment began.

Halloween, 2011.

So I’d like to have a bit of a virtual party, as big as the internet will allow! To that end, there will be several components, including prizes!

Costume Contest:

To enter, just submit to my blog, a (URL signed) picture of your costume, your child’s costume, your photo from your party, whatever you like (do keep it safe for work). I will add the tag “Simon’s Halloween costume contest” at the bottom. The entries will be upvoted by readers in the form of likes. The one with the most likes will win. I will accept one child and one adult winner.

The prize for the adult will be one of my books, signed, and a Pocket Simon™. For the child, a Pocket Simon™ and a children’s book of my choosing with a hand-written note (likely about eating your vegetables).

Pumpkin Carving Contest:

Submit to this blog a picture of your carving signed with your URL, and some proof of the date in the photo, so that it is obvious it is your work. The prize will be the same as above.

Food Contest:

Submit to my blog a picture of your holiday treats, sign them with your URL, these too will be upvoted by readers. If you would like to post a video of someone tasting your treat, that is also acceptable! Post it to your own blog and send the post directly to my messenger inbox. I will link all the food posts with the tag “Simon’s Halloween Treat Contest”

The prizes will be a signed book and special food-related treat from me. No, not a body part. Something safe for you to eat. It’s a surprise.

The deadline for the contests is November 1. Anyone may enter, so do feel free to reblog this to your followers.

Movie Night:

I’ll be hosting scary movies the week before Halloween – films of my choosing, and a chance to entertain yourself among other gentle readers. Perhaps we may even play a rousing game of Monsters Against Humanity (online game of Cards Against Humanity with me). Perhaps even for a prize, to make it interesting.

If you can think of any other entertaining things we can get up to, do feel free to let me know! I’m quite happy to add events.

Time is running out!

Nightmares can have a very real effect on your day to day life. At least in my experience, they don’t leave you when you wake up. They linger like a bad stench. I used to wake up from nightmares only to tumble right into a panic attack. It got to the point where I refused to sleep. I’ve always been thankful that I can go months without dreaming, because nightmares can be so traumatizing.

I recommend “stacking” positive chemicals before sleep. Try doing physical activity in the evening before bed.

Someone made me this little emoji, and i owe them their commission but cannot remember who it was. I’m terribly sorry. I am so forgetful these days.

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