This blog strongly supports the eating of avocado toast, any damn time you please.

This blog supports telling those who blame your generation for the financial state of the world to go suck an avocado…

Obviously not the above avocado.  That avocado is spoken for. It also bites.

If you live in parts where avocados are expensive, an avocado is far better for you than a pastry, or a McDonald’s hamburger, so appease your conscience with the knowledge that you are indulging while also being healthy, unlike your forebears, who indulged to the tune of destroying the economy.

I prefer my avacado put into sushi rather than on toast. I assume this is also acceptable.

Even better, because it’s a “luxury” and therefore “pisses off” the rich elders who would mock you for being impoverished by their hand.

I love avocado toast, but avocados are not expensive here. They just fall onto the ground and cars at my friends house! So they are quite dangerous, in certain circumstances.

Especially the above diagrammed circumstance. Never trust a monster in an avocado suit.

Contest winners!!!



It’s time to announce our Halloween winners!!!

The awards and criteria were very well defined, but I felt that some were particularly close to my heart, and so were worthy of mention as well. Therefore, I reserve the right to hand out a few consolation prizes for effort!!!

For our costume contest: 

This was by far our most contested win. We had several front-runners who all favored well with a narrow margin… However…the winner, @youcantseebutimmakingaface is disqualified, due to being on my payroll (she knew this was likely to happen). Let’s all thank her for her amazing raven mask, but…she knew the possible outcome! And so the win goes to @silver-arrows for that charming costume he gave us. He was our first entry, which in future years should show you that getting the entry in early is best,

HOWEVER, there was a near tie. I am very pleased with the results!!! And I am overjoyed that so many participated, so…if you submitted a contest…contact me for a consolation prize. I’m of a mind to reward everyone for giving it their best!

Honorary Costume mention: 

This is entirely due to sentimentality and I hope you don’t mind, but…I’ve never before had someone wear a costume to look like me, and so, I must give of my heart. And so, for her stunning Simone costume, @ain-individual will receive a Pocket Simon!

From our children’s competition!:

Our winner from the “children’s” category is Sambam the offspring of @sister-forget-me-not who charmed all of us with her powerful Wonder Woman costume! As per the arrangement, she will receive some signed children’s books and a Pocket Simon. However…I was already making her a special Pocket Simon, and so, I’m afraid I shall have to supplement her prize with a special gift…

I’ll never tell.

For the pumpkin contest:

Our clear winner was @outskirts-of-nowhere‘s brother with his teeny tiny miniature pumpkin, nevertheless carved with expert form! For this, he will receive a signed copy of my book and a Pocket Simon…that his sister will likely kidnap.

Honorary mention:

I felt that @idlephilomath‘s pumpkin, which was my book cover, was especially outstanding and touching to me, and so I have decided to award them with a special prize! A signed copy of the new print copy of my book this March! One of the first off the presses!

For our treat contest:

The clear winner is @korbensdeliveryservice with the delectable holiday tarts! I can say nothing other than that I am entirely jealous of the creative writing club that got to eat them, and that @korbensdeliveryservice will receive a signed copy of my book and a special food related prize!

If you have been tagged in this post, you are a winner. If you entered the costume contest, you have a consolation prize coming to you. Please message me your mailing address, and I will send you your prizes as soon as I can. If you are a book winner and would like the vanity copy of my book (errors included) please do let me know. But if you’d like to hold out for the full print copy after they come out in March, I’m happy to oblige. 

If the idea of giving a people-eating monster your address is off-putting, give it to my editor @kristinalmeister or my assistants @thehornedwitch or  @youcantseebutimmakingaface and they will see to it that your prize makes it to you.

If you were hoping for a win, never fear…

I host many contests per year. Our next prize-winning opportunity is the Bad Recipe Contest in December. So…If your family is cursed with a terrible cook, mine them for recipes. I will know if you are cheating, but…if your horrible family recipe is bad enough, you could take it. See our previous winners with the pork chop raisin lasagna and the meat paste mayo pineapple! You can do this. Redeem your horrible childhood moments. This year’s prize promises to be exceptional…

And I do mean that…

So give it your best!

Still seeking the addresses of my costume contest participants so that they can receive their participation awards!

Never was. Always go for the man in line. At a TJ’s, you’re facing a high statistical likelihood of him being a college student or one of those insufferable sorts who wears fedoras.

“TRans Girl” You mean special snowflake with no grasp of reality, I hope your parents find out soon, so they can be ashamed of their daughter


sike you accidentally gendered me correctly while trying to misgender me

It always makes me laugh when I see things like this said by anonymous people. As if being a brave trans person is somehow worse than being a coward. People who cannot throw insults or make comments without using their name know that what they say is both wrong, and worthy of scorn. They know, so they hide, and all to shield themselves from backlash.

They harm their victim, but shield themselves from harm. It is one of the most transparently stupid and pathetic things I’ve ever seen. And every time I see it I say to myself:

There’s no punishment that can overtake what they do to themselves…well, yes, but if I eat them, I don’t have to listen to them anymore. Cowards also rely on mercy to keep living, even as they deny it to others. Contradictions and hypocrisy waste oxygen.

Do your real teeth ever fall out?



Yes. They grow back. I had one come out recently.

So they replace themselves individually. Do the new teeth originate inside the gums, by the jaw line (ie, humans), or more like sharks (ie, mouth full of teeth that conveyor forward as required)?

Thy come out of the gum. In the case of an extreme dental injury, I’ve actually had two come out in the same hole


remember when you could say stuff like “the earth is round” or “nazis are bad” and be absolutely certain everyone who heard you would agree

Yes, but the trouble is, I remember the time before that when people all agreed the world was flat and eugenics was worth practicing.

Humans are consistent in only one thing: being vicious toward one another. This is what happens when a higher functioning brain with the ability to use and make tools, cannot rectify this with its basic urges to eat, fuck and prevent others from having the food and the sex. This is what happens to instinct when it is not tamed by consciousness, and the products of that: namely, compassion, empathy, rational thinking, perspective, wisdom. Humans use what little they know to justify their behavior, instead of behaving with caution and openness when they realize how little they know.

Anything to feel safe, to delude one’s self into believing that they have a way of hoarding the resources, eliminating complex problems by blaming them on a group, the willingness to rely on beings who will forgive them for their appalling mistakes…

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