May I tell you about my snake? She is a very good snake, even when she’s being Naughty. She didn’t bite me or anything when I took her out to fix the hole she made, even though she’s fully in shed.

Well, that was polite of her.

October 11, 2018 0

Simon! Did the necklace arrive!

Not to me. To my agency perhaps.

October 11, 2018 0

I bought an e-cigarette thing at work to help out with our sales, and I just tried to smoke it. I have never smoked before. I couldn’t even get the thing to turn on and whatever liquid is inside it kinda burned to the touch. I threw it out and am going to eat some sugar cookies instead now I think. Anyway, have a nice night, Simon.

I have mixed opinions.

October 11, 2018 0

I’m not into pranking people, so I decided I’d show you some animals that look silly instead.

angrilyangry:

mrrrjjjreblog:

taibhsearachd:

thatgaybich:

the-letter-why-in-parenthesis:

Andean Cock of the Rocks (ALWAYS WATCHING)

Arabian sand boas (DOING THEIR BEST)

Dik diks (SMALL?????????)

Softshell turtles (SMOOTH BOYS)

Christmas tree worms (FESTIVE FRIENDS)

Saiga antelopes (I LOVE YOU BUT WHY)

Baikal seals (ROUND BOYS)

I refuse to believe any of these are real

Tibetan Foxes are also very good:

All of these look like my attempts to draw animals

Then know you drew one, just jot the one you intended. Sometimes the greatest achievements are someone elses greatest mistakes.

The Bob Ross school of phylogenic biology

October 11, 2018 0

must-be-mythtaken:

Accidentally typed “indistinct buttering” instead of muttering and that is somehow super creepy. Like, you can just barely hear…in the other room…the scrape of a knife against toast.

I could make “indistinct buttering” a pastime. A new cryptid prank

October 11, 2018 0

76 Trombones but played on kazoo.

mscoffeebitch:

simonalkenmayer:

You bastard.

I wish to counter Jill’s suggestion with rousing kazoo edition what do you do with a drunken sailor.

You will pay for this.

October 11, 2018 0

So I went on a full sobbing meltdown today at work because a lot of frustrating things happened that culminated in me slipping in the dish room and landing sprawled out on my back. Have you ever had a meltdown that made you do something embarrassing? Or do they usually end up in death and destruction for you?

The latter. Unfortunately my emotions are heavily tied to how much control I have. And that is tied to how much human meat I’ve consumed. Many of my worst decisions are tied to hunger. This is why I am so disciplined in my habitat.

October 11, 2018 0

dreamingofbabylon:

socialmediapeasant:

dreamingofbabylon:

socialmediapeasant:

dreamingofbabylon:

scithesuperb:

ativantaliban-deactivated0988:

unclefather:

(Chanting) ancient cheese with a deadly disease ancient cheese with a deadly disease ancient c

CAN WE STILL EAT THE FUCKING BOG BUTTER?

Fellas we’ve got ourselves 2 outta 3 ingredience for a legendary Grilled Cheese

Grilled cheese!!!!

HELL YEA BAYBEE WE DONE IT !! GOD HERSELF GONNA GRILL US A CHEESE

Tonight we dine like kings

@imabugandsoareyou