potato-prost:

simonalkenmayer:

It turns out…

I am those things.

I simply happen to also be a long-lived cryptid species who eats people and manages to get away with it by hiding in plain sight, but who’s keeping a list?

You may call me Simon. That name stands for all the extraneous details of the above.

@simonalkenmayer living a long life must be difficult because of how many idiotic people you’ve (probably) met. How can I become more like you?

More like me?

I don’t…precisely know what that means. What am I like, that you should be more like me? Yes I’ve seen many a stupid person, but I’ve also been a stupid person, so…I mean granted, I got over being stupid a long time ago, and since then many stupid humans have come and gone.

But I suppose everyone is stupid in their own time.

How do I deal with it? I remember the above and I breathe.

Then I eat someone.

Yes

Excellent

Eat more live bacteria and it shouldn’t be an issue. If it is, there might be very good reason for it. Try drinking your veggies instead.