It’s almost Turkey Time!

Hey Simon, I imagine you’re going to share your own recipe for turkey, right? I hope you don’t mind if I bug you with mine.

You’ll need –

A roasting pan.

A turkey size roasting bag.

A spray bottle with white vinegar. 

A small knife. 

A clean sink.

A turkey.


Pam/anti-stick cooking spray.

Olive oil (I prefer extra virgin cold pressed).

Garlic salt (Again, I like the Lawry’s with parsley in it.)

Minced garlic.

Minced onion.

Minced basil.

Chicken stock.

The day before you’re going to cook it – in the sink open up the turkey wrapping. Make sure to take out the bag with the neck and giblets as you’ll want to boil those later to make stuffing and gravy. Spray the turkey inside and out lightly with the white vinegar and begin to rinse it. Use the small knife to remove pin feathers left behind. When done sprinkle garlic salt inside both cavities of the turkey.

Spray the roasting bag with the non-stick spray. Slip the turkey in and put in the roasting pan breast down. (The breast can be the driest part of the turkey. But if you cook it with that side down it sits in the juices and kind of soaks them up.) The next part is a bit difficult because of the bag, but you now want to reach inside and pour/rub the olive oil all over it. Or as least as much as you can reach. 

Take a handful of unsalted butter and rub it inside the cavity and try to tuck some under the loose skin. This also helps keep them meat from being too dry. 

In the cavity put about a ¼th of a teaspoon of minced garlic, a ¼th of a teaspoon of minced onion, and just a pinch of minced basil. (Too much and the meat gets bitter.)

Pour in all the chicken stock and seal the bag. Put in the fridge and let it marinate until the next day. 

Next day cook as every recipe instructs. Preheat oven to 350, cook 20 minutes for every pound, etc. Because it’s in a roasting bag it self bastes so you don’t have to open your oven every few minutes. Plus it makes clean up easier as stuff sticks to the bag, not the pan. 

I know it probably sounds under seasoned – but keep in mind there’s already garlic salt and parsley in there. And that small amount of other ingredients seem to go a LONG way when they soak in the chicken broth and get into the meat overnight. People can use other seasonings if they want, obviously. To me the most important things are using the roasting bag and making sure the turkey is cooked breast down. (I once watched Martha Stewart do one where she not only cooked it breast up, but put it on a rack in the pan so it couldn’t even sit in it’s juices and covered it in cheesecloth. Even on the tv it looked drier than a desert during a massive drought.) Because if you do those two things you not only have an easier clean up because of the bag but you have a juicer turkey. 

I never cook the stuffing in the turkey. I do that separately and use some of the water from the boiled neck and giblets to moisten and flavor the stuffing. I do a cornbread stuffing with garlic, onions, milk, and a shredded potato – the potato makes it fluffier and softer. 


I wont give anyone my turkey recipe. Firstly, it’s proprietary. Secondly, it’s not human safe, and finally, no one wants it. Humans view turkey as a personal conquest. They may take bits here and there, but largely they prefer the pioneering spirit.


Today is my family’s cooking day – we prepare a lot ahead of time so we don’t have to make everything on thanksgiving. So far today, my family has made a green bean casserole in a crockpot, two batches of bread stuffing (one gluten free), I’ve made a gluten free pie crust that will become a pumpkin pie soon. I’m going to be working on sweet potatoes soon too so we can just make a maple/brown sugar sauce, add marshmallows and stick them in the oven tomorrow. I’m really excited about food now!

I am also, but I’m afraid I’m not going to be doing the conventional Thanksgiving this year. I’ve got some other things to do right now.

I’m afraid you’ll all have to sustain me.





George is out here trying to get laid with a poster at the pride parade at ninety years old

This is George Montague, he’s an author who is currently campaigning to have a historic conviction for “gross indecency” from 1974 (PDA with his then-boyfriend) struct from his criminal record. You can sign his petition here!

The epitome of “Distinguished Gay”

Update as of 7 November 2018, this guy is now 95 years old and is still looking for his apology.


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