I’m gonna say it again: Chef is my hero. 😂 I don’t think this was what you meant when you said “I am owed fucks,” Simone, but there’s no denying that Chef finds the phrase open to creative interpretation If pie is involved.

Wasn’t he who threatens to sexually assault my pie. Was the third party.

But yes…today he brought me another Lime Edition. I have a feeling this is going to become a trend and some day he will open a closet and all the cans of lime redbull will fall out and bury him in my compartmentaliEd romantic leanings.

Group conversation about who is bringing what to holiday celebration: involving three people

Chef: I wanna do a duck. Like a fucking good duck.

Me: That’s specific

3rd person: Oh man, I really want duck! That sounds great!

Chef: What are you bringing, Sigh?

Me: Several side dishes. Thought I’d do a Buddha’s hand lemon merinque pie as per usual.

3rd: Really?

Me: Yes. I already have the vendor prepared to hold the citrus for me.

3rd: Oh man! Oh fuck. I love that pie. That’s my favorite pie! Oh man.

Me: I’m glad to hear it.

Chef: I’m doing the duck. Crispy skin, citrus glaze. Sigh, can I have some of your Buddha’s hand for it?

Me: Of course. I only need a finger’s worth of zest.

3rd: Oh man. That fucking pie! Oh man. Thank you Simon! I won’t need to watch pornhub tonight! This is awesome!



Me: Does pornhub have cooking shows now or…

3rd: No man…I just fucking love that pie.

Me: If you put your dick in it, I’m chopping it off and making sausage.

3rd: Might be worth it.


Christmas Cooking Contest

My friends! It is now time to begin our yearly foray into holiday feasting! I know some of you have been scouring your memory for terrible recipes expecting the usual “Bad recipe challenge” but this year, we are aiming to ressurect the glory of days gone by, rather than to call attention to history’s terrible jello moulds and cheese covered fish dishes.


The rules are simple!

Your recipe must come from a reputable source such as a historical book, cookbook, historical reference site, etcetera. It must date from the 1800’s or earlier. It must be an original version of the recipe—meaning you can’t go to a website and see their modern take on it. You have to find the recipe and source modern versions of the ingredients for yourself. The budget is $100 maximum, no minimum. The winner will be decided by your fellows—likes will count as votes.

To enter, you must submit a photo of your finished dish with proof of the date and your own URL, the recipe you found, and your version of it. You can enter as a group or alone. Please use the “suggested tag” “Christmas cooking contest” and be sure to sign your entry with your URL.

The prize will be a a signed book, a $50 gift card to a kitchen site, and a special gift from me.

The deadline is January 31, 12am PST.

Good luck everyone! I can’t wait to write essay after essay on all your creations! This contest is open to anyone, so feel free to reblog this for others! The more the merrier!


Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cheesy

If you have spent any time with me…then you know about the infamous cheeseball incident. You know that every year I’m given a gift basket, peopled with a new incarnation of my old foe…and that every year, I set the fucking thing on fire, for your amusement.

This year, it’s your turn.

Do your worst. I beg you.

The rules:

  • You must obtain a packaged store bought cheeseball
  • Destroy it however you see fit. I mean it. Do whatever you like so long as no one is in physical jeopardy and no laws are broken.
  • If you film it, upload the video to a YouTube account and submit the link to my blog. Sign your entry with your URL and tag it “Holiday Vengeance”.
  • If you take a series of images, create a post on your own blog and then send me the link in a DM. I will reblog it and tag it.
  • Likes count as votes
  • The deadline is January 31

Your prize will be a book and…something special. Very very special.

May the best demolitiomist prevail! Feel free to reblog!

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